From the Couch – Time for an Emotional Health Check-Up?
Today we have Dr Roger Morris, a local GP, joining us as a guest speaker and this prompted me to ask you – is it time you had an emotional health check-up?
We tend to be more mindful of looking after our physical health. We go to the doctor for regular check ups or at least get there when something is physically wrong with us but how often do we take stock of our mental and emotional health? Chances are the answer would be not often, or not until there is a crisis and we hit rock bottom.
Perhaps it is time to stop for a moment and do a quick self assessment. How often have you felt stressed, angry, frustrated, sad, down, depressed, anxious, guilty, or overwhelmed lately? Would it be every now and again? Or pretty much every day? And how intense are these feelings on a scale of 0-10 with zero being ‘Not at All’ and ten being ‘Extremely High’?
It’s easy to say “well that’s just the way I am. I have always been an anxious person” or “isn’t feeling like that just part of life as a busy Mum of (insert how many children), who doesn’t get enough sleep, rest, intimacy, free time (insert whatever it is you think you are not getting enough of)”. Well yes, we all have different personality types and parenting can certainly be stressful and taxing at times but it doesn’t have to be and you don’t have to always feel this way. You can take control over your emotions and operate on a more even keel.
You don’t want to eliminate all emotions totally. It is healthy to experience and express the whole range of emotions. We need to feel sad when something bad happens, a bit of anger gives us the fire in our belly to stand up for ourselves, a touch of nerves before we perform gives us that motivation or edge to focus and concentrate and so on. However, sometimes we can feel an unpleasant emotion too often, too frequently, too intensely and it can start to interfere with functioning in our everyday life. Perhaps your emotions are affecting your relationships or overall enjoyment of life. Remember also that there is a very strong and direct connection between emotional health and physical health. Too much negative emotion such as stress can negatively impact your immune system leaving you open to picking up every little cough and cold that goes around.
It is important to note too that they way we express emotions and handle things that life throws our way strongly influences our children. They are like little sponges soaking up what we do and say and how we behave. When there is no milk in the fridge for the third time this week do we curse and slam the door or do we just calmly deal with it. When someone cuts us off in traffic do we take a calming breath and just move on? When things aren’t going our way and we are frustrated ….what do we do? Do we bounce back resiliently or do we wallow and moan and sulk? How do you want your children to behave both now and and adults of the future?
So what is the “prescription” or “cure”? There are no quick fixes or miracle cures but you can learn a few techniques that can help in this area. Never underestimate the impact of ensuring you are meeting your basic needs. Sometimes easier said than done but focus on what you can do today to ensure you get more sleep, healthy food, sufficient water and exercise. Just concentrating on these things can make huge changes in mood. We also covered Relaxation Strategies in an earlier MOPS meeting. You can find these strategies elsewhere on this Blog if you want to print them out and put into practice.
Another popular and effective technique used by psychologists is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). Here is a taste of CBT that you can start using today. First ask yourself what is it that you are saying to yourself? What is your self-talk or ‘inner dialogue’. Is the dominating tone of these internal messages positive (“I’m a great mum, I can do this, stay calm, tackle one thing at a time, it will be alright) or negative (I’m hopeless, I’m a bad mum, I can’t handle this, this is so stressful, I can’t cope)?
CBT looks at something called Common Thinking Errors. They are called ‘common’ for a reason. You are not the only one that falls into these thinking traps. And they are called ‘Thinking Errors’ as they are exactly that – false ways of thinking. They are also known as Unhelpful Thoughts or Distorted Beliefs. In short they are lies that we tell ourselves that we believe and that can shape our feelings and behaviour in a negative direction.
Here are some of the Common Thinking Errors taken from Dr David Burns book “The New Mood Therapy”. As you read this list, try and identify which of these Thinking Errors you are most prone to fall into?
· All or nothing thinking – seeing things as black or white, something is either totally perfect or totally awful, nothing in between
· Overgeneralisation – generalising from one area to every area, from one mistake to your whole life. You cook a meal for your in-laws that isn’t the best meal you have ever cooked and you say to yourself “I can’t even cook a meal right. I’m hopeless”
· Mental Filter – filtering out anything good or positive and only focusing on the negative. You have taken your children to visit a friend and your youngest has an almighty tantrum as you leave. You think to yourself “Well that was a disaster. I can’t take him anywhere” and concentrate on that last portion of the visit filtering out all the good behaviour that also occurred
· Disqualifying the Positive – when you do something well or something good happens dismissing it as a fluke or that it didn’t count for whatever reason
· Jumping to Conclusions – Assuming you know the outcome, how something is going to turn out, what someone is thinking when you don’ t really know the facts and haven’t checked. You predict that the family outing is going to be terrible “The kids are going to play up and I won’t cope” when it may just turn out to be great fun. Your friend is very quiet when you catch up for coffee and you think to yourself “She’s angry at me because I was late” when her quietness may be for some other reason.
·Magnification/Catastrophising or Minimisation – Blowing things out of proportion, making mountains out of molehills, everything is a disaster or catastrophe or the opposite is shrinking something like a good quality down so it doesn’t mean as much
· Emotional Reasoning – assuming that just because you feel a feeling it is true, letting your emotions take over from fact or logic: “I feel anxious so therefore this is something I should be worried about”
· Should Statements – Operating in terms of Must, Ought, Shoulds. Setting up unrealistic expectations and behavioral rules for your self and others ”I should be able to stay calm at all times”
· Labelling and Mislabelling – putting yourself or others into categories or boxes rather than seeing someone or something as multi-faceted (lazy, bad, naughty etc)
· Personalisation – seeing things as all your fault, totally caused by you and not influenced by other contributing factors
Once you start to tune into your thinking and identify these patterns of negative thinking you can learn to challenge these thoughts and replace them with more healthy, realistic thinking and in doing so take more control over your moods. Here is a list of questions to ask yourself whenever you catch yourself experiencing an unpleasant mood or falling into a Common Thinking Error trap.
- What am I saying to myself (thinking) that may be leading to how I am feeling?
- How strongly do I believe this thought? (Rate the strength in the belief from 0-100%)
- · Is this self-talk helpful or unhelpful? Which ‘common thinking error(s)’ is it falling into?
- Is there any evidence for this thought? (list it out)
- Is there any evidence against this thought? (list it out)
- Is there an alternative explanation or another way of looking at the situation? List these out.
- What is the worst that could happen (worst case scenario)? Could I live through this?
- What is the best that could happen/best case scenario?
- What is the MOST LIKELY or MOST REALISTIC outcome?
- What impact does this thought/self-talk have on my life? In other words, what happens to me OR what happens in my life OR what do I do (or avoid doing) because I believe this thought?
- What might happen if I change my thinking?
- What can I do about it? Is there any action I can take? (Use Problem Solving steps if get stuck here)
- If a friend was in the same situation, or had the same thought, what would I say to them? Could you say the same thing to yourself?
- Now re-rate your belief in the original thought (0-100%)
- Finally, after working through all these questions, re-word or re-write the original thought as a more helpful/realistic thought? Write this down.
These strategies take a bit of effort and practice to learn, and, like any prescription - if you leave them sitting in the medicine cabinet and do not take them regularly then you will not get their powerful healing benefits.
Give them a try. Let me know how you go.
After further help in this area? Look up Psychologists under P in the Yellow Pages or go to the APS website and click on Find a Psychologist.
Please feel free to email me if you want further information on this topic or advice on where to seek additional help in this area hillme@virginbroadband.com.au .
