Guest Speaker: Jacinta Gatto
Craft: Passport to Planet Mum
Jacintas Notes
Thank you for inviting me to share with you today. I am both humbled and honoured to be here with some amazing mums and there is nothing special about me beyond the fact that I am God’s girl and that anything I share today has come from my own journey to be a good mum, which by and large is imperfect and completely normal.
Just ask my children.
I have two boys aged 12 and 15 who have come through those early years relatively unscathed due to lots of forgiveness on their part for the silly and terrible things I have done over the years, so I guess we are now on the other side of babyhood and we have had some time to evaluate that journey. God has allowed me to see some of the myths that I believed when I began and have come to see as lies now that I’m older.
Let me say at the outset that I do not have all the answers and that I don’t want anything I say or suggest today to make you feel inadequate or in any way condemned. Not everything I suggest will be appropriate for you in your present circumstances. I’m only sharing some of what I have learned and hopefully it will encourage you to keep doing your best...because you and your family are worth it.
Would I be right in assuming that time is the biggest issue in connecting with and looking after ourselves?
How do we get the balance right between being yourself and the all-consuming mother thing and what are some of the myths that surround motherhood?
1) I CAN ONLY BE A GREAT MUM, IF MY EVERY WAKING HOUR IS SPENT WITH MY CHILDREN.
My children need to be my total focus.
· Sure fire way to exhaustion. Even if you had a thousand hours in a day your babies would still want you more. You are their world and they want your attention always. That’s fine and good but you are not able to meet an unattainable target.
Look, we all know that the first months with a new baby are survival mode for both of you. You are getting used to one another feeding every 3 hours etc., that’s normal and needed to get into a routine and understand one another. But if I stay there, my world gets smaller and smaller and I start becoming picky and stressed about minor things which seem really major in this tiny world. I start to lose objectivity and my spirit starts to be smothered.
The spirit that I talking about is the one that needs nurturing, feeding in us, to see the pleasure in little things. It needs to do things that fill our emotional tank so we can give out. And it is the first thing to be attacked when our precious bundle arrives.
Women are sensory beings. That means that we appreciate beautiful smells, tastes, scenes, sounds etc. We need these things to counteract the demands of giving.
So how can we practically help ourselves and protect against emotional exhaustion?
When my boys were young, I would run the bath with bubbles, crank up the cd player and bring in the bouncer with the baby in it and rock it while I was in the bath. When I’d finished having a soak, I’d jump out and bring the baby in with me. Just a bit of planning needed with towels and clothes ready. When I had 2, One would be in bouncer and the other play with toys with the bathroom door locked so no one could escape and I was not tempted to answer the phone, then they’d both come in with me.
Find something that you love to do and make time to do it.
· Gardening is a good one because they can come out with you and crawl around or dig in the late afternoon.
· How about a beautiful scented candle and some music while you’re cooking, or
· Scrapbook all the wonderful things they do and say.
· A walk in the fresh air maybe.
· One thing I always did, especially when number 2 came was to have a shower, put on some makeup, do my hair and get dressed for the day before my husband left for work.
It took some motivation, but made me feel that I could attack the day confidently or at least partly awake. Isaac didn’t sleep through the night for 7 years, so sleep deprivation was huge.
· Give yourself permission to have a few minutes of quiet. There will always be something to do around the house but that doesn’t mean it needs to be done immediately. I found this worked best when I spent some time firstly playing or doing something the children want to do. They seemed to recognise the focus and were less demanding in the following half hour.
So I could grab my coffee and magazine for a few minutes.
Any other ideas?
MY HUSBAND COMES SECOND BECAUSE MY KIDS NEED ME MORE.
Your husband needs you just as much as your children, in one way or another.
He can be your greatest ally or your biggest burden.
Your marriage was there before your children and with some effort it will be there after they have left your home. Yes, children do change a marriage, but it’s up to you how much.
Kids need happy mums and dads. That comes by making your husband your priority before your children, shocking huh!
· If you favour him you are doing yourself a favour. Why because he will start to support you more in payment for your honour. Of course, he won’t know he’s doing it and will probably think he’s always done it, but that’s ok.
· Did you know that a study was done which concluded that men would prefer to be honoured and respected than loved? They would choose respect first! I found that amazing and very convicting and it changed the way I relate to my husband. I try to honour him in front of my children by focussing on the good qualities I see and admire in him and I watch what I say in front of other people about him (most of the time)! No-one’s perfect! It built him up and made him feel valuable which,in turn, translated to a willingness to help.
· Here’s another secret – you may already know
Men have a huge fear of failure and not measuring up. They also know that you can do things for the children faster, more efficiently and better than they can. So they will tend to avoid helping particularly if we tactfully let them know how it should be done! Be encouraging and positive when they try to do something with or for the children– WORD ARE IMPORTANT TO THEM- and in time, they will feel confident to release you to have some time to yourself. They can handle it.
Affection is important - not just for your spouse. It reconnects you to who you were before your body became a supermarket and reminds you of the exciting part of you that has been buried under a load of nappies – when you felt desirable and sexy.
We all know how much touching and affection we give to our children and sometimes I know I felt there wasn’t anything left to give to my husband, and I’m not saying you have to be a martyr, but try to make an effort regularly, even if you don’t feel like it.
Guys often feel like they lose their partner when they gain a baby.
· One thing I occasionally when the kids were small and we didn’t have much money, was to get them to bed, dress up, be imaginative ( remember, the children are little, they are not going to remember much if you get sprung) and do a romantic dinner by candlelight.
· When we could get a baby sitter, we would have a date night- even just a coffee down at Mooloolaba or a movie for a couple of hours. You can swap with a friend for sitting or use a responsible teenager desperate for cash.
If you get the kids to bed before they arrive, and tell the children in advance that so and so will be there if they wake up, it’s easier for both you and the sitter – less cost for time – they can watch tv or study etc.
· Couch time was also nice. It worked better when the kids were a little older, maybe 6 or 7. We went out on our verandah for 20 mins or so when Joe got home, with a cool drink and talked about the day, and the children were not allowed to interrupt us unless someone was bleeding or dying. It made each other the priority and honoured our relationship.
The point is this, invest in your hubby and he will return your effort in time. Don’t give up the first time, keep trying, he will gain confidence and you will gain some romance (which feeds our heart), freedom ( because he knows what he’s doing without you), help and support.
This myth says, because it feels like it, that is this time of nappies, night feeds, constant watching and protection, where your body does not feel like your own but is at everyone’s disposal, will never end......IT IS A LIE.I remember saying to my mum on the phone one day that I wish babyhood was over because it was so intense. She replied with some wise words. “Honey, it’s really such a small period of time in your life. Enjoy it!”
Enjoy it? For some earth mums out there, they totally understand what she said but for me it was hard because I was growing up myself as well as growing up my children. I was so selfish and self-centred. But what she said is true. Enjoy
· No schedules
· Cuddles and I love you mummies
· The wonder of experiencing anew, something you have taken for granted as an adult
· Seeing the little things pinched between tiny fingers, missed by our adult eyesight.
· Dressing them in the cutest outfits you can.
· Playing tooth fairy
· Remembering the wonder of Christmas
· Giggles
· Being goofy
· Sitting on the beach making sandcastles with your child and not having to worry about your figure so much, because everyone can see that you have borne children.
· Enjoying the leveller that connects us so easily to other women when we share that we are mothers especially when you dress up only to find out at the end of the night that you got dried baby vomit dripping down your back.
This ‘it will never end’ area is where positive thinking really helps. The Bible talks about renewing your mind every morning meaning that you concentrate on what’s important; thank him for the day and ask Him to help you make the most of the day – even if it is just at home. OPRAH
You will blink one day and they will be 12 and 15.... and babyhood will be gone. In the Bible in Ecclesiastes, it says there is a time for everything under the sun....a time to live, to die, to reap and to sow. During our lives we have many seasons – childhood, being single, illness, marriage, university, building a career and motherhood. Say to yourself on bad days “It’s only a season. It too will pass.
· Then ring a friend for a chat or meet at the park for a coffee and a debrief. A burden shared is a burden halved especially if you get to have a break from home.
· Ring your mum or an older friend for advice or encouragement.
· Read a book in the bathroom/toilet that addresses the problem you are having.
· Pray and talk to your heavenly Father, if you know him, be honest and just pour out your heart. Some of my most beautiful moments with God were when I felt at my lowest.
On good days, say ‘This is only a season” and cherish every moment, take photos, record little funny speeches.
EVERYONE ELSE IS A BETTER MOTHER THAN ME
LIE LIE LIE
THE TRUTH IS
· Everyone struggles
· Everyone has doubts
· Everyone gets to the end of some days and can’t think of much that you did right that day.
· Everyone is a novice
· No-one has all the answers.
SO GO EASY ON YOURSELF
We make our lives very stressful trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations.
When I was younger I was a perfectionist – everything in its place, matching, lined up and clean. It sounds quite sad, but I would clean my floor most days on my knees- it was a small house but none the less...
God is good. He decided not to leave me like that. He gave me two boys and the realisation that my insecurities about acceptance and approval by others were driving me to exhaust myself.
You don’t have to be Wonder Mum and In fact, there is no such person.
· Tidy regularly for sanity but not obsessively.
· Realize that a true friend will visit and love you regardless of the state of your house. Don’t be offended if she wipes a patch to lay her baby on the floor.
· Choose some friends that complement you. They might love to clean: You might love to cook.
Maybe you can share these roles.
· Don’t be afraid of being honest with your friends. I find we as women are really good at pretending things are ok. It is not a failure on your part to admit it’s not. We all wear masks and it’s time to take them off.
Less stress means more peace and a calmer day which can only help us personally. It takes the pressure off, so I can be me more and I don’t feel the pressure to conform.
My worth needs to be based on more than my capacity to keep house.
My worth is found in my Creator who helps me to see things from a clearer perspective.
Malachi 30 Says
What does the Lord require of you?
To live justly, Love mercy and walk humbly with your Lord.
Live justly – Stand up for your children and husband, giving them boundaries and love and time but always
Honour yourself and your right to have a little time for you. You do not need to feel guilty about this.
Love mercy – Forgive others when they fail you and forgive yourself when you can’t do everything perfectly or you make mistakes; apologising to your children occasionally is part of that.
Walk humbly with your Lord – I have accepted that only God, and not the glamorous neighbour down the road, or at sports practice, has it all together and that I never walk my journey alone.
Jesus says ‘Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:29
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